Bootleg Tour Guides and Criminal Pizza.

Last week was a doozy! Lots of fun to be had, which you will hear about shortly. In other words, right after this quote:

Wisdom is knowing what to do next; virtue is doing it. - David Starr Jordan

Mr. Starr Jordan has a great point. Apart from being distantly related to Starr Jones by first name twice removed, he has shown wisdom by saying this, and virtue by…saying this. If virtue is just doing what is next, I was incredibly virtuous last week when my Dad and step family was in town. There was a lot of “what do you guys wanna do next??” flying all over the place.

All I did was take them around the city and show them lots of touristy stuff, and we had a great time! It was very reaffirming, because literally EVERYTHING we did was “incredible” and “delicious” and “really fun” for them. Plus I got tons of free meals! And the ONLY thing I really did was help them navigate the public transit.

We saw a ton of great stuff. We went on a Wendella river boat architectural tour, which I still had never done, despite living here 8 months.

We were on a BOAT!

We also went and did the normal touristy stuff. You know, we hit Millennium Park, which is great if you have a thing for metallic, futuristic looking kidney beans. Also, if you like taking pictures of your reflection where you actually can’t tell where you are in the reflection, then the Bean is for you.

See it reflect!

Which got me thinking….if I marketed myself as a bootleg tour guide, I could totally cash in on tons of free deep dish pizza! Seriously, I don’t require ridiculous amounts of pay. All I ask is that you allow me to join you for eating deep dish pizza. I’ll even take you to the best place in town for it–no questions asked.

Although I don’t know why there’d be “questions asked” when going to eat deep dish…

If you REALLY wanna pay me money, then I wouldn’t refuse. But I mean, your dollar would go so much further if all you were providing me with was 2 slices of deep dish pizza from Lou Malnati’s. And that’s all it takes to fill a person up with this stuff. It’s grotesquely delicious.

It really shouldn’t be legal. In fact, I’d wager to say Lou Malnati’s is borderline criminal since they also run an interstate shipping gig on the side. They will ship frozen Lou Malnati’s pizzas to anywhere in the United States, making this undoubtedly the most publicly accepted “evil mom and pop” company in existence. Nothing compares.

Eat this and contribute to criminal deliciousness.

I’m gonna go work on my business proposal for starting a bootleg tour guide business. And I’m gonna try to avoid thinking about how delicious this pizza is.

**DISCLAIMER**: Lou Malnati’s is not a part of any crime syndicate. It is just dangerously delicious, nearly making it a crime to even exist. I love Lou Malnati’s and wouldn’t mind free pizza from them in the least.

What is your FAVORITE pizza??

Watch your phone, or it may be a Refrigovision.

After a long, but pleasant, week of being a tour guide to this wonderful city in which I live, I am happy to be back to blogging. So let’s jump into this, kids. Expanding upon our new categories, today we delve into the Philosophical.

Today’s Quote:

A man with one watch knows what time it is; a man with two watches is never quite sure.  ~Lee Segall

One watch, two watches…what about the guy (like me) who has no watch at all?? Does this mean I am not only “never quite sure,” but perhaps also, “completely outside the time/space continuum”??

The thing is, my phone serves as my watch. And my transit checker. And my video game machine. And my email. And my camera. And my texter. Oh yeah, and my phone…I forgot it does that.

So if so many people are using their phones as their watches now, where does that leave the watch business?? I mean, I guess they could start making watches that are also phones…

Hands-free at its best.

…but that’s definitely trampling on Dick Tracy’s territory.

Oh, well actually, it seems someone has already done this:

So wait, if everyone is getting into the business of combining things that don’t really need to be combined, what will we have next?! A refrigerator with a TV in it?? A Refrigovision??

Oh, come on.

This is ridiculous. I vote that from now on we only use objects/devices/etc. for one thing and one thing only. I can’t imagine a time where I’d want to sit or stand in front of my refrigerator to watch The View.

…not that I watch The View.

I do, however, watch HGTV whenever possible, which is not very often since I don’t have a TV and I live in a closet. There is something extra awesome about watching people shop for multi-million dollar homes whilst yourself sleeping on an air mattress in a luxurious walk-in closet smaller than their regular-sized closets. Probably the best part of watching HGTV is trying to figure out how the network can justify showing people who–unlike MOST of America–have more disposable income than they know what to do with buying homes.

These same people are always choosing between 3 or 4 homes, and they always have a price range for themselves that is higher than the amount of money I have ever made in my entire life up to this point. And without fail, they always, always choose the one home that is above and beyond what they can comfortably spend.

Man, what a rant about HGTV.

Also, on an unrelated note, I find it’s sometimes difficult to properly and quickly say “HGTV” without making it sound like “HDTV”. Maybe it’s my Pittsburgh mush-mouth, but it’s the same concept that prevents me from saying my own name without making it sound like “dank lair”. I also have a friend, Mystery Jeff, who calls me that on purpose. (BeeTeeDubs, Mystery is a very talented writer, who is currently writing all about his LA adventures. That link is his blog…READ IT.)

I think I’ve rambled long enough for one day. I think I’m gonna go ponder becoming a tour guide, while reading a book that also serves as a napkin….which is every book….except ebooks.

The many Material faces of pizza.

Please, someone. Enjoy this day. It’s too beautiful not to do so. Today’s quote comes from the Material Girl, and kicks off a new initiative on i.am.GIANT. I will forthwith be categorizing things a bit into celebrity quotes, philosophical quotes, inspirational quotes, and the Chicago ChiChronicles.

When I’m hungry, I eat. When I’m thirsty, I drink. When I feel like saying something, I say it. – Madonna

Wow, I can’t believe this didn’t occur to me before. All those days I spent writhing in agony because I was hungry, and I could have just eaten and drank something? Not to mention the weeks on end I spent as a mute simply because I wasn’t sure I should say something. Gosh, it’s good to have that cleared up.

Honestly, though, as I thought about Madonna eating when she wants, and drinking when she wants, and saying things when she wants (and she is an expert in that last one), I googled ‘Madonna eating’ and found a treasure trove. Take a look at the many faces of Madonna eating…

This one is of Madonna thoughtfully eating tomatoes:

Here we see Madonna looking dumbfounded whilst eating spaghetti:

Ok, so these next several pictures depict Madonna’s different identities while eating pizza. To be honest, I was shocked at just how many pictures there were of this (seemingly) one time occurrence. I’ll do my best to interpret her personas during the event:

To start us off, I give you Sleepy Madonna. Seeing as she’s just tucking in to that slice of pizza, she’d better wake up. She’s got a long way to go.

WAKE UP!!

This, as you can no doubt tell, is Dainty Madonna. Grabbing the pizza with naught but the very tips of her fingers, Madonna pulls out all the etiquette stops here.

Proper form is key...notice the extended pinky fingers.

Next up is My Dog Just Died Madonna. She looks as though she’s about to cry while eating that delicious looking pizza.

Someone get her a tissue...

As the pizza session devolves, she turns into Angry Madonna. This most likely happened because she’s in the denial stage of My Dog Just Died Madonna.

Angry Madonna...much less fun than Angry Birds.

The emotion of the day gets to her, and she spirals down into Crazy Madonna.

PiZZa mY fRIenD!@*!

She quickly regains sanity, and also picks up a maverick attitude. This, of course, is Elbows On The Table Madonna.

Not one, but TWO water glasses!

Finally, as Madonna considers the implications of all that’s happened at lunch, she thinks quickly and determines that she can avoid trouble by becoming Incognito Madonna.

No one knows who I am!

It’s been quite the day for everyone. I wish there was this much fanfare every time I went to get a slice at Ian’s. This post really took a turn, and all because I google image searched. Maybe I should apply that principle to my daily life…

Oh, here’s one more, only of Madonna NOT eating…

Yikes! Muscles!(?)

As for me, I’m gonna go eat at Chick-fil-a, since the first one ever in Chicago JUST opened yesterday!! I’ll try and save you some waffle fries! ….(that’s not gonna happen)…

A crash course in honesty and hitting your head

Soooo, I’m back, friends. It’s been….basically 6 months since I last posted. I feel like being especially honest today, which is perfect, since today’s quote reads thusly:

I can’t tell a lie – not even when I hear one. - John Kendrick Bangs

The first thing I will be blatantly honest about today is:

I live here!

1) I am in love with Chicago. It’s been an interesting 7 months…and it’s incredible to realize it’s been 7 months. Everything about this city has been amazing so far. I’m pleased to say that I’ve found a family in my Soul City Church peeps. They have welcomed me and made me such a part of what’s going on in growing God’s church in the city. Check them out. I’m honored to know them.

2) I have easily seen over 100 improv shows since moving here, almost all of them free. As I’ve gotten to know the improv scene here, it’s really encouraged me to discover just how genuinely nice so many people in the improv community are. I don’t know why I even considered that it would be anything else but that, but in any case, I have been pleasantly surprised. Way to go, iO!

3) I really like walking. Ok, that sounds random, I know. But this is a HUGE BOON for me since most transportation here is highly reliant on walking. This is also helpful since walking is the precursor to running, which I will be doing a lot of over the next few months as I prepare for the 2011 Chicago Marathon. Now, I know what you’re thinking…ok, I actually have no idea what you’re thinking…but let me tell you, I am 50% thrilled to be doing this and 50% terrified. I am a HUGE DUDE. I am not made to run, but I’m liking it a lot.

 

Ok, so I’ve talked about things that I really like about Chicago. Now here are some things I’m having ill feelings toward.

1) I dislike when people won’t get out of the way, be it on a sidewalk, on the stairs leading to a train platform, or simply ANYWHERE. I never considered myself impatient with slow-walkers (as I’ve come to call them), but if I have to miss another train, be late to work, or be trapped in any kind of establishment simply because someone is completely oblivious to the giant standing/walking with long strides behind or next to them, I will seriously toss some shorties (as I’ve also come to call them).

2) I’m rather frustrated that this city has for the most part been made without tall people in mind. “Dan!” you say…”What could you possibly mean?? There are tall buildings everywhere! Surely those were made with tall people in mind!?” Well, you’d be right. But I’m rarely in skyscrapers. The problem comes with most forms of public transportation. Although I love living in a city where public transit exists in such a comprehensive way, I am not appreciative of the relative small scale they are built upon.

For instance, on buses, I often hit my head on the hand rails meant for standing passengers while on my way into or out of a seat. Also, I have to duck to get into the trains. Luckily, once on the train, the ceiling is high enough, but there have been some memorable times (that are fading due to head trauma) when in a rush to make a train I’ve run thru the doors, only to smash the top of my head into the metal doorway.

3) I honestly can’t think of another dislike, so I’ll talk about one more like: living next to the lake There’s nothing like running on the lakefront path. O2theM2theG.

 

Thanks for reading this, my grand return to the blogosphere! Tell your friends if you like it. And if you don’t like it, keep your freaking mouth shut. Also, stay tuned for periodic special segments detailing observations about life in Chicago called the “Chicago ChiChronicles”.

In the meantime, Spread the Love, Keep the Peace, and Wipe Your Feet. (I think I’ll also make up a sign-off phrase on the spot at the end of each post from now on…so don’t judge)